Posts Tagged Separation

Co-Parenting – Is it new age or is it a must do?

 

  • What is Co-Parenting – How to share parenting post separation?

Co-parenting is cooperative parenting where fundamentally clear concise communication is the key and the ones ability to put their emotion aside and commit to raising their children together. Generally speaking co-parenting is required when Marriages/Relationships with children have separated or divorced. Thus parents will move to being co-parents. The first step to successful co-parenting is to make a decision that you choose to create a positive share parenting arrangement for your children who are ultimately at the effect of your separation.

I read this from a parenting website earlier and thought it summed it up well – “Your relationship with your partner might have ended, but you’re both still parents to your children. It’s in your children’s best interests for you to figure out how you can both be involved in their lives”.

You may be familiar with the recent announcement by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to consciously uncouple. I was quite alarmed that some people were quite negative about their approach thinking it was fluffy (evidently this was my approach 9 years ago – I just didn’t call it consciously uncoupling, to me it was the only way). Consciously uncoupling is primarily about putting their children first and co-parenting as a united front as opposed to parenting from a battle field and a little he says she says…Their approach is undeniably wise and very noble. Co-parenting is a fairly new term, you may know of the term ‘shared’ parenting. Co-parenting successfully takes a conscious effort and opposes the social norm/mindset that has been to grant custody of a child/ren exclusively to one parent with limited visitation by the other parent. This concept is archaic and potentially dangerous for the overall well-being and development of a child. Granted in some cases this is required, though my cause is for children who come from a home where neglect/violence does not exist.  The concept of co-parenting promotes shared parenting, basically speaking each parent would have equal responsibility as a way to protect children and raise them as close to ‘normal’ as possible with care and love from both parents.

Co-parenting takes discipline and commitment to really put your children first. Separation and divorce are never easy times emotionally and can impact you in so many ways; financially is the big kicker, not to mention it can be a massive hit on your self-esteem…That said upon your separation when two people decide to parent in a shared parenting/co-parent manner, the permanency of the pain seems to dissipate sooner through your decision to respond in accordance with your powerful state to parent together as a united front all whilst living separately.

That said, it is never easy though it is absolutely worth it. Just this past Sunday it was (as you know) Mother’s Day. My day started with the obligatory breakfast made by children followed by a stop in for brunch and a board game with their step-mum at their dad’s house, my stepson was dropped off by his mother whilst we were there – there was not one awkward moment, only ease a big sense of family. This can happen (and it wasn’t always easy) because we decided to take the higher road and co-parent effectively putting our children first. I am deeply grateful for the life we have created, my children know no different. I would never wish for them to have a life of bitterness between the two people they love the most. Would you? The HOW is not as tricky as it may seem it is however a commitment.

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Guide to Step-parenting & Blended Families – How to Bond with Stepchildren & Deal with Step family Issues

Guide to Step-parenting & Blended Families – How to Bond with Stepchildren & Deal with Step family Issues 

Step-parenting
When families “blend” to create step families, things rarely progress smoothly. Some children may resist changes, while parents can become frustrated when the new family doesn’t function like their previous family. While changes to family structure require adjustment time for everyone involved, these guidelines can help blended families work out their growing pains and live together successfully.

Success for a Blended Families
You and your partner have decided to make a life together and form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of your previous relationships. Congratulations. What lies ahead can be both a rewarding and a challenging experience. It can take a long time for a blended family to begin to feel comfortable and function well together.

While you as parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new blended family with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may not be nearly as excited. They’ll likely feel uncertain about the upcoming changes and how they will affect relationships with their natural parents. They’ll also be worried about living with new step siblings, whom they may not know well, or worse, ones they may not even like. To give yourself the best chance of success, it’s important to start planning how a blended family will function before the marriage even takes place.

Laying the foundations for a blended family
Having survived a painful divorce or separation and then managed to find a new loving relationship, the temptation can often be to rush into remarriage and a blended family without first laying solid foundations. By taking your time, you give everyone a chance to get used to each other, and used to the idea of marriage.

Too many changes at once can unsettle children. 
Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.

Don’t expect to fall in love with your partner’s children overnight. 
Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.

Find ways to experience “real life” together. 
Taking both sets of kids to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the kids used to your partner and his or her children in daily life situations.

Make parenting changes before you marry. 
Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your kids won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.

Don’t allow ultimatums. 
Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.

Insist on respect. 
You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.

Limit your expectations.
You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s kids that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.

Given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to the prospect of marriage and being part of a new family. It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security, and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition.

Authors: Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson. Helpguide.org

Have questions? Connect with us on https://www.facebook.com/miKinApp or direct here through the comments section…

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Needs, Values and Cheating!

Scenario posted on Facebook today – “I cheated on my wife! It was just a way out to get out of the mundane life we’d created. I love her, but I don’t love the life we’ve had. I want to ‘start again’, but she’s too bruised to even think about being with me. How can I make her understand it from my side?”

Others responses included alot of finger pointing, judgement and harsh comments…

My Response…

First we must appreciate that people go against their values to fill their needs. This is not about trust, wedding vows, broken promises nor ‘cheating’…whatever that is exactly. This is about a person not having their needs met and most likely in this scenario both parties are not having their needs met. As human beings we operate from 6 basic needs first and foremost…then on top of that we have our values, based on our rules we have set for ourselves which is based on our environment, core beliefs of self etc then not to mention our hierarchy of needs. Which without any of our needs being met, we seek it out in order to meet it. So if he was lacking connection/love as a need and even though as a value he is committed to his wife, his need comes first…so then say he’s out, gets a little ongoing attention from a lady (maybe he doesn’t get at home anymore) and ‘BAM’ he goes into fill my need mode…Does he feel good about it? Hell NO, he has gone against his values which are made up of his rules….a constant battle, though his human need has been fulfilled (for now). Now, I am not suggesting this is his way to cop out, though as people we are completely responsible for the choices we make, both parties are responsible for the way they BE in each others company…be it mundane…maybe and quite possibly she has filled any of her unmet needs another way – we don’t get to hear that side. In an ideal world, we are all enlightened and needs do not exist…though we are human and this is a looooong way off.  I am in no way suggesting this is easy though we must appreciate that there are always two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth! Don’t be so quick to judge – judgement comes from your own rules which make up your own values…As Nicole suggests he must find peace so he can operate from love….see what happens!! Maybe this is the wake up call their mundane life needed!!!

Your thoughts??

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Introduction to Live with Purpose!

Welcome to my first post…as I sit here I wonder where do I start, so I think its best to begin with who am I…

My name is Kara and I have a vision…everyone can be living inside a relationship with a partner understanding and supporting eachother to live their dreams. This is possible.

Inspired by my own experience of separation after 8 years and 2 children, I had never set an intention to end up as a single parent though I had not actually set an intention otherwise…being that we were not married.

Making a decision to empower myself and move forward on my own I sought to seek answers to what had led me down the path of separated with children.  Over the next few years I chose to remain single to breakdown my relationship into pieces and get a real knowing of what it was that failed, through alot of reading and self education I made some incredible discoveries about the differences between men and women inside relationships and whilst on the dating scene, not to mention…what it means to be on purpose!

For more on Kara – please click on ‘About the Author’ TAB…thank you!

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ultimatemindsettoday

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ultimatemindsettoday

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James Michael Sama

Relationship Coach | Relationship Consultant | Confidence Coach

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