Posts Tagged Love
Guide to Step-parenting & Blended Families – How to Bond with Stepchildren & Deal with Step family Issues
Guide to Step-parenting & Blended Families – How to Bond with Stepchildren & Deal with Step family Issues
When families “blend” to create step families, things rarely progress smoothly. Some children may resist changes, while parents can become frustrated when the new family doesn’t function like their previous family. While changes to family structure require adjustment time for everyone involved, these guidelines can help blended families work out their growing pains and live together successfully.
Success for a Blended Families
You and your partner have decided to make a life together and form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of your previous relationships. Congratulations. What lies ahead can be both a rewarding and a challenging experience. It can take a long time for a blended family to begin to feel comfortable and function well together.
While you as parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new blended family with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may not be nearly as excited. They’ll likely feel uncertain about the upcoming changes and how they will affect relationships with their natural parents. They’ll also be worried about living with new step siblings, whom they may not know well, or worse, ones they may not even like. To give yourself the best chance of success, it’s important to start planning how a blended family will function before the marriage even takes place.
Laying the foundations for a blended family
Having survived a painful divorce or separation and then managed to find a new loving relationship, the temptation can often be to rush into remarriage and a blended family without first laying solid foundations. By taking your time, you give everyone a chance to get used to each other, and used to the idea of marriage.
Too many changes at once can unsettle children.
Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.
Don’t expect to fall in love with your partner’s children overnight.
Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.
Find ways to experience “real life” together.
Taking both sets of kids to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the kids used to your partner and his or her children in daily life situations.
Make parenting changes before you marry.
Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your kids won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.
Don’t allow ultimatums.
Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.
Insist on respect.
You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.
Limit your expectations.
You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s kids that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.
Given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to the prospect of marriage and being part of a new family. It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security, and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition.
Authors: Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson. Helpguide.org
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Scenario posted on Facebook today – “I cheated on my wife! It was just a way out to get out of the mundane life we’d created. I love her, but I don’t love the life we’ve had. I want to ‘start again’, but she’s too bruised to even think about being with me. How can I make her understand it from my side?”
Others responses included alot of finger pointing, judgement and harsh comments…
First we must appreciate that people go against their values to fill their needs. This is not about trust, wedding vows, broken promises nor ‘cheating’…whatever that is exactly. This is about a person not having their needs met and most likely in this scenario both parties are not having their needs met. As human beings we operate from 6 basic needs first and foremost…then on top of that we have our values, based on our rules we have set for ourselves which is based on our environment, core beliefs of self etc then not to mention our hierarchy of needs. Which without any of our needs being met, we seek it out in order to meet it. So if he was lacking connection/love as a need and even though as a value he is committed to his wife, his need comes first…so then say he’s out, gets a little ongoing attention from a lady (maybe he doesn’t get at home anymore) and ‘BAM’ he goes into fill my need mode…Does he feel good about it? Hell NO, he has gone against his values which are made up of his rules….a constant battle, though his human need has been fulfilled (for now). Now, I am not suggesting this is his way to cop out, though as people we are completely responsible for the choices we make, both parties are responsible for the way they BE in each others company…be it mundane…maybe and quite possibly she has filled any of her unmet needs another way – we don’t get to hear that side. In an ideal world, we are all enlightened and needs do not exist…though we are human and this is a looooong way off. I am in no way suggesting this is easy though we must appreciate that there are always two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth! Don’t be so quick to judge – judgement comes from your own rules which make up your own values…As Nicole suggests he must find peace so he can operate from love….see what happens!! Maybe this is the wake up call their mundane life needed!!!
As we get older, some may think that the pool is shrinking and potential partners are getting lesser and lesser, this is scarcity at its best. The thing this planet has is plenty of people….thus, there is no scarcity of potential partners. The challenge is not in finding one the challenge is sorting, and how fast can you sort through the possibilities.
It is imperative that you know what you want, be clear on your dating purpose, know what your dealbreakers are (stick to them) and be upfront about it ALL!
If you can have these conversations, this is an abundant way of being! This can be uncomfortable to begin with, though not as uncomfortable as having to end things…
Once you really know what you want and start having these conversations early and I mean early IE in your ‘about me’ section on a dating site and/or the first phone call though definitely the first ‘date’…do this and the faster you will sort! Personally speaking I was really ‘ok’ about being me and being solo – life was sweet and so I knew that if I were to add someone to the equation then it had to be someone who would value add and vice versa! I was very clear about what I could bring and knew what I wanted, I was clear on my dealbreakers and so he would decide very quickly if he could handle my heat (so to speak)…my partner today will tell you he felt like he was being interrogated, though he loved my willingness to be honest – this was refreshing!
When you create the space and be clear about who you are, what you want and where you are going – it gives the other party permission to be clear and open. It may not be you they end up with, though what you have created is the space for the other party to perhaps date more honestly in the future.
And…as a result we could have more people dating authentically which could possibly lead to longer lasting fulfilling relationships!
How nice! 🙂
Paving your own path for human beings is so damn hard as we are use to functioning as a group. All of our basic animal survival instincts lead us to believe that following the pack is the best thing to do. Throw into the mix years and years of conditioning from leaders, spiritual teachers and low and behold the education system – it is quite astonishing today that anyone actually thinks for themselves.
Still; we have successful people, you know the ones that STAND OUT (sometimes referred to as the ‘black sheep’ – where you?) – clearly these people got there alone, without the need to be surrounded by the group.
Whether you are going for a high achievement of any sort, this could include financial, relationship fulfillment, education, sporting or even to develop a high spiritual awareness – chances are we will have to BE different to who we have been previously. This may mean being somewhat counter intuitive and certainly will mean doing things in the non conventional way and somewhat defying the so called ‘wisdom’ of our peers. Some call it – Going against the ‘norm’…
The most challenging part of your journey will be the beginning, you will soon realise you are being different and unique (so will others). And all the ‘norms’ out there question you, look at you funny, may judge you and they will certainly challenge your decisions and actions. The new you may not be in line with who they know you to be and their expectation of you may not then be met. Values shift – e.g. you meet a person you want to have a relationship with after being ‘single’ for years, you may find your friend group not necessarily understanding why all of a sudden your priorities have shifted, their expectations of you are one way and you show up another way…OR maybe you have decided to drop your highly paid career and travel the world, your peers will struggle with this ‘obscure’ behaviour. You can help them adapt to the new you… 🙂
It is here and now why it is imperative to seek out role models; they may be in the form of a coach, mentor or new peers — this will naturally occur as you stretch yourself. There is a philosophy I love, like attracts like, it’s simple though profound if you really think about it. So consider who it is you want to be like? We become like the people we spend our time with. Whether you desire to build a great business, go it alone in any way shape or form – be prepared for your closest friends to not share in your enthusiasm, especially if they are very much engrained in the ‘norm’.
Dont be alarmed though as this does not mean you will loose all of your friends – you may loose some, this does then create a space – (called The Law of Displacement ) for new friends to come in, friends more like the ‘new ‘ you. Evolving does mean you see things from a different perspective, it is easier and clearer for you when you are surrounded by peers moving forward in a similar direction, it is great to seek out those further down the path from you, as they tend to keep you going with forward movement, keeping always one step ahead of the herd.
“When you want something, the entire universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” from The Alchemist
This intriguing book shares with us the story of a young shepherd boy named Santiago who embarks on a journey to Egypt, after having a recurring dream of finding treasure there.. Santiago believed the recurring dream to be prophetic.
Santiago encounters many interesting characters who each share their own experiences of life, disappointment, wealth and personal enlightenment.
Upon setting of on his quest, Santiago comes across a merchant who is stuck in the effect side of life — basically he created a lot of justification to reason why he hadn’t reached his full potential and fulfil all of his goals and dreams. The shopkeeper is unwilling to take risks. He tells Santiago, “When I was young, all I wanted to do was put together enough money to start this shop, I thought that someday I’d be rich…” He then shares with Santiago all that he had for and accomplished in life but could never afford.
Santiago meets an Alchemist who says that usually people only want to find the treasure, but not the thing that is responsible for the treasure itself…and without understanding this simple truth; they will never accomplish all that they wish and will remain unfulfilled.
Along his journey through Egypt, Sanitago meets the a beautiful woman, falls in love and asks her to marry him; however, Fatima insists that he seek out his Personal Legend before they marry. This confuses Santiago, though the Alchemist teaches him that true love never gets in the way of fulfilling one’s dreams. If it does, then it is not true love.
In the end, he realizes that playing it safe is often more threatening to his freedom than taking a risk. You could learn not just how to make money, but how to create real and lasting wealth in all areas of your life and reach your highest potential. .
Imagine if you could implement this lesson into your own life and stop searching for treasures and simply make your word law in the universe.
If you have not yet read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and want to live your fulfilled life, head to your book store and buy it today! It truly is a magical fable about following your dreams…
Welcome to my first post…as I sit here I wonder where do I start, so I think its best to begin with who am I…
My name is Kara and I have a vision…everyone can be living inside a relationship with a partner understanding and supporting eachother to live their dreams. This is possible.
Inspired by my own experience of separation after 8 years and 2 children, I had never set an intention to end up as a single parent though I had not actually set an intention otherwise…being that we were not married.
Making a decision to empower myself and move forward on my own I sought to seek answers to what had led me down the path of separated with children. Over the next few years I chose to remain single to breakdown my relationship into pieces and get a real knowing of what it was that failed, through alot of reading and self education I made some incredible discoveries about the differences between men and women inside relationships and whilst on the dating scene, not to mention…what it means to be on purpose!
For more on Kara – please click on ‘About the Author’ TAB…thank you!