Posts Tagged dating

Shift In Perspective + Gratitude = Happiness

Butterfly EffectI say to my kids when they are struggling to get over something…go to the hardware store, buy timber, build a bridge and get over it!! Easy right? We expect our kids to ‘get over it’ and deal with their issues quickly though I continually hear stories of ex’s just not able to move past their previous relationship and yet are in another relationship…WHAT THE??

It is imperative when moving on from a previous partner to another that you MOVE FORWARD. Moving forward is not holding onto your past or hosting a series of grudges toward an ex partner. Perspective is a wonderful word and it’s up to you how you look upon your life and it’s up to you on the story you create from your experiences thus far. You can choose to look back with regret, anger and hatred or you can look back with gratitude that he/she came into your life and with that possibly you had children or even just some fun times and certainly at some level would have experienced love.

Let’s face it, it’s not often we enter into a relationship without some sense of feeling warmth toward the other person (hopefully love),  as the saying suggests, best to have loved and lost than not loved at all…it’s just how you look at it – perspective!

Ask yourself, can you possibly have a fulfilling next relationship if you have unresolved feelings toward your previous relationship/s? What can you do to resolve your issues and alter your perspective? The answer;  gratitude. It is impossible to not feel even just a little bit better when we are grateful – that is a human absolute. There really is no greater wisdom in understanding that no matter the situation there is always something to be grateful for.

If you understand the butterfly effect, you will know that one flap of a butterfly’s wing can alter and impact the life of someone and then their actions impact the life of someone else and so on, the initial action could affect generations to come (children do as you do and not as you say)…just as the ripple in a pond on one side of the world could create massive waves on the other.

When exiting a relationship, do what you can to have peace by looking for what it is you can be grateful for, this in turn will create a sense of happiness which impacts well-being.

Perspective is merely the story you tell yourself, alter your perspective by looking for gratitude and that will alter your story.

One must never carry left over negativity into our next relationship…honestly ask yourself how do you see that relationship thriving when you carry such a  burden??

Be Extraordinary 🙂

Kara

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Needs, Values and Cheating!

Scenario posted on Facebook today – “I cheated on my wife! It was just a way out to get out of the mundane life we’d created. I love her, but I don’t love the life we’ve had. I want to ‘start again’, but she’s too bruised to even think about being with me. How can I make her understand it from my side?”

Others responses included alot of finger pointing, judgement and harsh comments…

My Response…

First we must appreciate that people go against their values to fill their needs. This is not about trust, wedding vows, broken promises nor ‘cheating’…whatever that is exactly. This is about a person not having their needs met and most likely in this scenario both parties are not having their needs met. As human beings we operate from 6 basic needs first and foremost…then on top of that we have our values, based on our rules we have set for ourselves which is based on our environment, core beliefs of self etc then not to mention our hierarchy of needs. Which without any of our needs being met, we seek it out in order to meet it. So if he was lacking connection/love as a need and even though as a value he is committed to his wife, his need comes first…so then say he’s out, gets a little ongoing attention from a lady (maybe he doesn’t get at home anymore) and ‘BAM’ he goes into fill my need mode…Does he feel good about it? Hell NO, he has gone against his values which are made up of his rules….a constant battle, though his human need has been fulfilled (for now). Now, I am not suggesting this is his way to cop out, though as people we are completely responsible for the choices we make, both parties are responsible for the way they BE in each others company…be it mundane…maybe and quite possibly she has filled any of her unmet needs another way – we don’t get to hear that side. In an ideal world, we are all enlightened and needs do not exist…though we are human and this is a looooong way off.  I am in no way suggesting this is easy though we must appreciate that there are always two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth! Don’t be so quick to judge – judgement comes from your own rules which make up your own values…As Nicole suggests he must find peace so he can operate from love….see what happens!! Maybe this is the wake up call their mundane life needed!!!

Your thoughts??

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The issue is not finding a partner, the issue is sorting through the possibilities…!

As we get older, some may think that the pool is shrinking and potential partners are getting lesser and lesser, this is scarcity at its best.  The thing this planet has is plenty of people….thus, there is no scarcity of potential partners.  The challenge is not in finding one the challenge is sorting, and how fast can you sort through the possibilities.

It is imperative that you know what you want, be clear on your dating purpose, know what your dealbreakers are (stick to them) and be upfront about it ALL!

If you can have these conversations, this is an abundant way of being! This can be uncomfortable to begin with, though not as uncomfortable as having to end things…

Once you really know what you want and start having these conversations early and I mean early IE in your ‘about me’ section on a dating site and/or the first phone call though definitely the first ‘date’…do this and  the faster you will sort!  Personally speaking I was really ‘ok’ about being me and being solo – life was sweet and so I knew that if I were to add someone to the equation then it had to be someone who would value add and vice versa! I was very clear about what I could bring and knew what I wanted, I was clear on my dealbreakers and so he would decide very quickly if he could handle my heat (so to speak)…my partner today will tell you he felt like he was being interrogated, though he loved my willingness to be honest – this was refreshing!

When you create the space and be clear about who you are, what you want and where you are going – it gives the other party permission to be clear and open. It may not be you they end up with, though what you have created is the space for the other party to perhaps date more honestly in the future.

And…as a result we could have more people dating authentically which could possibly lead to longer lasting fulfilling relationships!

How nice! 🙂

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Mr Right or Mr Almost Right?

I am always reminded that there are always two sides to a story, yours and his …. then somewhere in the middle is the truth.

My question to someone uncertain if they are in the right relationship for them  is; when you are thinking about your future that you have full power to create, do you see them in it? And…my next question is, when you really sit down and think about how you want to feel when you are married/committed some day… share with me what that feels like and do you feel like this when you are with him?

The past is best left there, in the past all you have is NOW and your power to create the future….so consider the questions I have asked you above, know that there are millions of potential possibilities out there for you…get clear on what it is you want from a partner and relationship and then go for it. If they do not fit your picture, then let them go so they too can fulfill their own picture. With a clear picture you will attract the person that is right for you.

Always BE genuine, honest and open. If you maintain this, it will keep you on track.

Kara 🙂

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James Michael Sama

Relationship Coach | Relationship Consultant | Confidence Coach

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