Archive for category Self Development
A stunning blog post I had to share and I will quickly share with you why. Currently I am having my own personal struggle with putting back on some kilos and really not changing anything – there’s a lot to be said for mindset. I am a big believer that altering our body starts with what goes on in your head – how you feel about yourself and your self worth.
I have also realised that I have never honoured myself where I am at, currently I don’t fit into the jeans I wore just 6 months ago yet 6 months ago I considered myself a ‘big girl’ (WTF) as I have always generally seen myself even at 48 kilos, 57 kilos and 61 kilos (none of which are BIG for my body type). Always looking to others and how they look to better myself as opposed to really standing tall in my own skin and loving where I am at. I know I fill myself on nutritious foods, I don’t consume a great deal of alcohol, don’t smoke, don’t take any drugs or any variety…be it medicinal or the illegal stuff.
YET I have never been good enough (in my eyes). My big lesson is to know when you are ‘good’ with where you are at and build on that instead of always wanting to be different. I had it in the bag last year and couldn’t see it – I see it now. And so my journey begins – regain my mental strength and lead with gratitude.
That brings me too this article http://globalhobo.com.au/2015/05/17/skin-deep/ Read it, read it again and then tell someone about it…I resonate with it as the writer and I share some truths…
I commit to working on my mindset approach to my body image and love the skin I am in.
Love the skin you are in, exercise foe joy, eat nutritiously (most of the time) — most of all — love your freaking life!!
Co-Parenting is a beautiful response that puts children first! The first step could be to print out this quote and remind yourself daily…Some of you may be wondering, what if I want to co-parent though the other parent isn’t willing to? That is a very fair question and can be the likely scenario especially in the early days though it’s important that as the one wanting to commit to co-parenting then it must begin with you. Consider this for a moment…imagine walking a thousand miles in your children’s shoes and if you have then what would you do better? Below are some tips…Planning – In the beginning…
- Develop a co-parenting plan; you may find this happens quite organically. If not, use the below as a guideline…
- outline a starting care schedule
- financial i.e. child support/school fees
- how to handle your children’s medical needs or concerns
- discipline and household rules/boundaries
- holidays and special events (some families do half and half or alternate years)…you may eventually be able to share these days together
- decision-making guidelines
- Aim for a flexible attitude – It benefits everyone to be flexible about your arrangements – I have expanded more on this below…
- Accept different parenting styles; just as when you were together, you each have a different style. Deal with it…
- Keep your ex-partner up to speed with ‘what’s happening’; find a way to communicate about what’s happening that works for you. We share online calendar and we use a co-parenting app.
- Give your ex-partner some time to learn the ropes; nobody is perfect and this is new for everyone. Be compassionate and patient.
- Be prepared for some negative feelings; Avoid lashing back, time heals. That said, remain on purpose to creating a positive co-parenting relationship. It will happen.
- Communication – Ooooh that word, it is after all the start and end to everything. They say, the quality of our life is determined by the quality of our communication and the quality of our communication is determined by the quality of our questions. YEP questions not statements!! Communication is the art in whichwe impart or exchange information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium. The question being here is how do you best communicate when it comes to co-parenting? Keeping in mind that in the beginning it’s a very conscious effort as to the way you respond with the other parent of your children, with practice it does become a way of life. The answer is always communicate with great thought, respect, compassion and consideration.
How; Listen, breathe…respond! Remember Co-Parenting is a beautiful response that puts children first.
**If communication is difficult in the beginning, try using a communication book or an app that makes it easier for you**
- Flexibility – Eeek you mean I have to be flexible even though we are no longer living together? YEP…probably more so!
You will find it quite common that though you have separated there still tends to be a primary parent. In the early years and still today to some extent, I had the time, he had the finances. So with younger children who are needier (though with teenagers, I am forever the taxi driver and I refer to more demanding of you emotionally) – it was our ideal that one parent be more available. In the beginning I worked weekends in retail whilst dad has a corporate career working Monday – Friday. In this case, it worked well for us that our children were with me from a Sunday night through to Friday afternoon and then with their dad on the weekend. It meant they were not away from either parent for too long whilst both parents could work and generate their own income outside of other financial arrangements you may have agreed to. This created a routine and as time moved on and both children were at school, I personally found a M-F job (retail wasn’t for me), we decided upon a new routine – 2,2,3…Mon/Tues with Dad, Wed/Thurs with Mum, Fri/Sat/Sun with Dad and then Mon/Tues with Mum and so on…
The key is flexibility, communicate your needs with each other and form an arrangement. If it doesn’t work, communicate that and then make a new arrangement. Then there will be sport and starting school etc…Your flexibility will need to adapt as your children grow and their circumstances change.
One big NO NO….Do not keep score! Look after your children as they require it. If one of you has to go away on a work thing or plans a holiday with their new partner – take your kids, make it easy!
- Take The Higher Road – Commit to leading with emotional integrity!
If you do take the high road, in the long run your children will admire you for it.
Avoid sabotaging the relationship your children have with the other parent. This serves no-one and the biggest losers are your children.
I couldn’t have said it any better than Dr Phil;
There are two important rules concerning children during times of crisis and instability in your family:
1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.
2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.
In conclusion, this really is a snapshot of my experience of co-parenting for almost a decade and I truly believe I have created the most ideal scenario possible for my children. It all began with a decision and that was followed up with commitment, communication and patience. Though there were the tough times, in the long run by taking the high road – those tough times are very much in the past and today my children have a large extended family whom love them very much. Divorce ends marriages though the family lives on!
“The difficult is what takes a little time. The impossible is what takes a little longer.”
– Fridtiof Nansen, Norwegian explorer (1861-1930)
- What is Co-Parenting – How to share parenting post separation?
Co-parenting is cooperative parenting where fundamentally clear concise communication is the key and the ones ability to put their emotion aside and commit to raising their children together. Generally speaking co-parenting is required when Marriages/Relationships with children have separated or divorced. Thus parents will move to being co-parents. The first step to successful co-parenting is to make a decision that you choose to create a positive share parenting arrangement for your children who are ultimately at the effect of your separation.
I read this from a parenting website earlier and thought it summed it up well – “Your relationship with your partner might have ended, but you’re both still parents to your children. It’s in your children’s best interests for you to figure out how you can both be involved in their lives”.
You may be familiar with the recent announcement by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to consciously uncouple. I was quite alarmed that some people were quite negative about their approach thinking it was fluffy (evidently this was my approach 9 years ago – I just didn’t call it consciously uncoupling, to me it was the only way). Consciously uncoupling is primarily about putting their children first and co-parenting as a united front as opposed to parenting from a battle field and a little he says she says…Their approach is undeniably wise and very noble. Co-parenting is a fairly new term, you may know of the term ‘shared’ parenting. Co-parenting successfully takes a conscious effort and opposes the social norm/mindset that has been to grant custody of a child/ren exclusively to one parent with limited visitation by the other parent. This concept is archaic and potentially dangerous for the overall well-being and development of a child. Granted in some cases this is required, though my cause is for children who come from a home where neglect/violence does not exist. The concept of co-parenting promotes shared parenting, basically speaking each parent would have equal responsibility as a way to protect children and raise them as close to ‘normal’ as possible with care and love from both parents.
Co-parenting takes discipline and commitment to really put your children first. Separation and divorce are never easy times emotionally and can impact you in so many ways; financially is the big kicker, not to mention it can be a massive hit on your self-esteem…That said upon your separation when two people decide to parent in a shared parenting/co-parent manner, the permanency of the pain seems to dissipate sooner through your decision to respond in accordance with your powerful state to parent together as a united front all whilst living separately.
That said, it is never easy though it is absolutely worth it. Just this past Sunday it was (as you know) Mother’s Day. My day started with the obligatory breakfast made by children followed by a stop in for brunch and a board game with their step-mum at their dad’s house, my stepson was dropped off by his mother whilst we were there – there was not one awkward moment, only ease a big sense of family. This can happen (and it wasn’t always easy) because we decided to take the higher road and co-parent effectively putting our children first. I am deeply grateful for the life we have created, my children know no different. I would never wish for them to have a life of bitterness between the two people they love the most. Would you? The HOW is not as tricky as it may seem it is however a commitment.
Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented on my above blog – how amazing is the blogging community!! That’s not a question, that is a fact – you are all amazing humans.
That said, I continue where I left my above blog ‘To Blog or Not To Blog’ and my paralyses through my fear of failure via comparison to others. I have since learned by definition that ‘atychiphobia’ is the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough. BAM!! I am in the dictionary. Debbie R made an interesting comment about perfectionism…I have taken that on board and I will not confirm nor deny that it may be so, though only around my work with people 😉 Just check my desk, there is nothing perfect going on there – then again, maybe don’t!
Now that the blog drought is broken…surfs up!! Well that’s perhaps a little ambitious though I am putting it out there 🙂 I find it interesting that once you pop you simply can not stop – ideas are streaming in left right and centre. I have notes everywhere and it drives Simon nuts. That said my ‘atychiphobia’ is still very real and by feedback it’s true for a great deal of us out there. The interesting thing about saying something out loud or in a blog is you find yourself ‘catching your thoughts’ and it’s what happens after you have caught your thought that makes the difference, and potentially where the magic happens.. So, if you have blogged for the first time on this platform, I challenge you to back it up…post again 🙂
One personal empowerment model I love is “Be Do Have”, I know it’s one model our company discuss a lot throughout training calls and our Online Success Education. It is a model I chat to our team about regularly, it is I feel one of the most vital models to really know and implement. So when I consider my ability to really over think my thoughts and fears I ask myself do any of the leadership team sit there not taking the action in their business they need to take because they are too busy comparing themselves to others…ummmm NO – they may feel the fear (they are human after all) yet they do it anyway!
My life has never been the same since I truly got BE DO HAVE. In order for me to move forward and overcome this fear, I really have to identify who it is I am looking to be in my business. Years ago I actually shifted 30kg’s of weight using this model, I say this to not impress you though to impress upon you that it is not just all energy in energy out – mindset is a massive contributor.
So what’s next…
1. Find someone already ‘BEing it (ie someone to model)’ – add this person to my ‘board of directors’
2. DO what this person does – take the same action they take
3. Recognise my wins – acknowledge myself for being less perfect and less comparable
4. HAVE the results I see for my future self.
Where has BE DO HAVE worked for you and where could you implement it?
I was jumping out of my skin when it was announced on the first visionary call of the year with our company that the Alchemy Program had been formed. I couldn’t wait to share with our business associates my excitement in an overview email, I registered immediately for The Alchemy Apprenticeship and could see myself clearly winning the blog writing competition and being flown over to Colorado to hang out with our company’s founders prior to the next event.
Yet…it’s been almost a month and I have not submitted a blog entry. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thinking about it and writing down topic ideas. Then I spend a moment beating myself up about it. So, what’s stopping me…?
Lack of Commitment…nahhhh!
Lack of Passion….NO!
Comparing myself to others…HOT!!
The fear of failure by comparison paralyses me. I don’t believe I have ever said it like that before.
My fear of failure makes for a great quality as an event manager as I triple cross check everything and generally speaking nothing goes wrong as I account for every possible scenario, my goal is to always put on the best event anyone has experienced. However, that said, in our business with PG and personal life – I am my own stopper.
How am I my own stopper? I am forever comparing myself to others – unfairly, I compare myself to the person at the gym who is the strongest and fastest, I compare myself to the leaders here at PG, wondering am I worthy to be a leader and stand among them. Simon was growing his business with PG when I met him and upon my decision to join him I find myself comparing my ability with his ability to talk with prospects on the phone and his boldness to step out on most calls and just rattle off something clever and inspiring – could I do this that well??…By my own comparison, I always come off second best by my own opinion, and so I remain as I am…believing I am not quite good enough.
What’s my game plan…? I will begin by owning it, owning my quality and turn it around to use it for the greater good. That’s tough, it’s tough because it’s how I reason with myself for not doing or not participating in something. By identifying with my fear of failure, I will be able to monitor my decision making process and call myself on it and now have you guys too call me on it. The beautiful element of this leadership community is having others hold you to a higher standard.
The funny thing is by succumbing to my fear of failure, I am choosing to not participate and thus I am not choosing in…and this results in failure ANYWAY!!! Lose/Lose.
The words I live by are ‘To Lead By Example’ and yet I can feel like a fraud at times. So, I choose in. I choose to blog and will move to grow beyond my ‘fear of failure by comparison’. I am after all the supreme authority of my own life.
This morning’s call with Helen, Anna and Rachel inspired me, I can’t quite put my finger on it though there in lies just one reason to always (no matter what) PLUG IN to the training calls.
To be continued…
I say to my kids when they are struggling to get over something…go to the hardware store, buy timber, build a bridge and get over it!! Easy right? We expect our kids to ‘get over it’ and deal with their issues quickly though I continually hear stories of ex’s just not able to move past their previous relationship and yet are in another relationship…WHAT THE??
It is imperative when moving on from a previous partner to another that you MOVE FORWARD. Moving forward is not holding onto your past or hosting a series of grudges toward an ex partner. Perspective is a wonderful word and it’s up to you how you look upon your life and it’s up to you on the story you create from your experiences thus far. You can choose to look back with regret, anger and hatred or you can look back with gratitude that he/she came into your life and with that possibly you had children or even just some fun times and certainly at some level would have experienced love.
Let’s face it, it’s not often we enter into a relationship without some sense of feeling warmth toward the other person (hopefully love), as the saying suggests, best to have loved and lost than not loved at all…it’s just how you look at it – perspective!
Ask yourself, can you possibly have a fulfilling next relationship if you have unresolved feelings toward your previous relationship/s? What can you do to resolve your issues and alter your perspective? The answer; gratitude. It is impossible to not feel even just a little bit better when we are grateful – that is a human absolute. There really is no greater wisdom in understanding that no matter the situation there is always something to be grateful for.
If you understand the butterfly effect, you will know that one flap of a butterfly’s wing can alter and impact the life of someone and then their actions impact the life of someone else and so on, the initial action could affect generations to come (children do as you do and not as you say)…just as the ripple in a pond on one side of the world could create massive waves on the other.
When exiting a relationship, do what you can to have peace by looking for what it is you can be grateful for, this in turn will create a sense of happiness which impacts well-being.
Perspective is merely the story you tell yourself, alter your perspective by looking for gratitude and that will alter your story.
One must never carry left over negativity into our next relationship…honestly ask yourself how do you see that relationship thriving when you carry such a burden??
Be Extraordinary 🙂
Our Business: Is It Easy?
Frankly – no, it’s not easy, but it is simple. And there is a difference.
The system that we use to create success is simple! It’s a 3 step system and you simply follow the steps.
The catch is that you must apply discipline and follow the 3 step system that we’ve created. Scary word that – discipline.
I’ve learned that the “average person” runs a mile when they hear the word discipline. But here’s the thing, with our company, we are not looking to create “average results”. We take a stand for the unique potential that is within all of us and set people free and on a path to creating extraordinary results.
To create above average results one must apply themselves and practice disciplined freedoms. A typical working week for us is approx. 20 hours. Much can be created in 20 hours a week of disciplined actions.
We teach you how to be most productive with your time and focus on doing the things that actually get the result, so that you have time to enjoy all that life has to offer.
Reach out to me today if you are more than average so I can assist you in knowing for yourself about our business.
“Teachers open the doors, but you must enter by yourself.” Chinese Proverb
I can’t stress how important it is to have positive mentors that we can look up to throughout life. Even though it can sometimes feel like one person can’t make a difference, the truth is, one person is all it takes to make a difference.
As Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
It’s actually quite amazing how one person can inspire countless others to make a stand, to fight (or peacefully protest) for what they believe is right, to walk on the moon, to take flight, to declare independence.
There have been so many influential leaders, thinkers, innovators and creators, who have achieved incredible success (often despite great setbacks), who’ve changed society in the process.
When we hold great people in our head and hearts, we can more fully realize the powerful impact that remembering their words and following through on their actions, can have.
The hardest part about having joint custody of the kids after a breakup (via iVillage Australia) >> http://bit.ly/15rwLMF
My response to the above blog and how can you create a positive co-parenting relationship with your ‘ex’..
I too am one of the lucky ones, am I lucky or did we create what we have?? I actually know we created what we have, when my childrens father and I went separate ways we decided that no matter what is going on between us – we put our children first.
Granted both parties here had a vested interest though the journey was no joyride initially. It took an extreme amount of maturity to stand by our decision and that we did (most of the time). I felt he couldn’t look at me for a long time, though time healed that and we both grew to see that we both played a part in the end of us as a couple. So we un-coupled and yet we remain a family. 8 years on and with the add ons of new partners and step children our family has grown substantially.
At the end of the the day, it comes down to choice and the decisions you make on how you act and who you show up as. It does make it a challenge when one parent struggles with the concept of separation etc – my approach was to ALWAYS go back with love and respect, no matter how tough it got. Not to say I compromised myself – I had done this enough within my relationship…though I chose my responses wisely and held my tongue.
What we have today is ‘the ideal’, we are one big family caring for little people who live with the consequences of their parents decisions. We were just two people who just couldn’t get their shit together being together though two people who love their children very much. I am a mother who knows how important their father is in the life, he’s a good man, I had children with him afterall and loved him, so why would I do anything to stop him from seeing his kids.
So, always feel into your decisions and make a choice that comes from love, no matter how this is received, keep doing this, put your children first, deal with your crap somewhere else and work out what part you played and your responsibility so it doesn’ happen again in your next relationship, go out and create your own life…most of all, love and appreciate the other parent for simply being your childrens mother or father…no other adult will love your child as much as you – other than them.
Do your best to always be your best ! I would love to hear from you if you too have a story to share or maybe you would like some help too in acheiveing an extraodinary co-parenting arrangement!