A stunning blog post I had to share and I will quickly share with you why. Currently I am having my own personal struggle with putting back on some kilos and really not changing anything – there’s a lot to be said for mindset. I am a big believer that altering our body starts with what goes on in your head – how you feel about yourself and your self worth.
I have also realised that I have never honoured myself where I am at, currently I don’t fit into the jeans I wore just 6 months ago yet 6 months ago I considered myself a ‘big girl’ (WTF) as I have always generally seen myself even at 48 kilos, 57 kilos and 61 kilos (none of which are BIG for my body type). Always looking to others and how they look to better myself as opposed to really standing tall in my own skin and loving where I am at. I know I fill myself on nutritious foods, I don’t consume a great deal of alcohol, don’t smoke, don’t take any drugs or any variety…be it medicinal or the illegal stuff.
YET I have never been good enough (in my eyes). My big lesson is to know when you are ‘good’ with where you are at and build on that instead of always wanting to be different. I had it in the bag last year and couldn’t see it – I see it now. And so my journey begins – regain my mental strength and lead with gratitude.
That brings me too this article http://globalhobo.com.au/2015/05/17/skin-deep/ Read it, read it again and then tell someone about it…I resonate with it as the writer and I share some truths…
I commit to working on my mindset approach to my body image and love the skin I am in.
Love the skin you are in, exercise foe joy, eat nutritiously (most of the time) — most of all — love your freaking life!!
I came across this article and well it hit a nerve…I loved very word though I also know I am not truly living all of it. This will be changing NOW…
Here is the article — what stuck out for you?
Take a stand,
Sometimes being in a blended family has the challenge that you still feel like you look after your children and he looks after his…this is definitely for me sometimes (most weekends it’s a little ships in the night business) — how about you?
To be honest I even find myself wondering what the advantages are being in this set up if you’re still doing it all yourself anyway (though as the primary parent you just get up and get it done)…it would have to mean the relationship with your partner on its own is worth this – yes? Is it?
Maybe there is room for all of us to do a little bit more to help each other out and extend a hand to replicate the village.
Do you find this sometimes?
What’s your blended story?
Co-Parenting is a beautiful response that puts children first! The first step could be to print out this quote and remind yourself daily…Some of you may be wondering, what if I want to co-parent though the other parent isn’t willing to? That is a very fair question and can be the likely scenario especially in the early days though it’s important that as the one wanting to commit to co-parenting then it must begin with you. Consider this for a moment…imagine walking a thousand miles in your children’s shoes and if you have then what would you do better? Below are some tips…Planning – In the beginning…
- Develop a co-parenting plan; you may find this happens quite organically. If not, use the below as a guideline…
- outline a starting care schedule
- financial i.e. child support/school fees
- how to handle your children’s medical needs or concerns
- discipline and household rules/boundaries
- holidays and special events (some families do half and half or alternate years)…you may eventually be able to share these days together
- decision-making guidelines
- Aim for a flexible attitude – It benefits everyone to be flexible about your arrangements – I have expanded more on this below…
- Accept different parenting styles; just as when you were together, you each have a different style. Deal with it…
- Keep your ex-partner up to speed with ‘what’s happening’; find a way to communicate about what’s happening that works for you. We share online calendar and we use a co-parenting app.
- Give your ex-partner some time to learn the ropes; nobody is perfect and this is new for everyone. Be compassionate and patient.
- Be prepared for some negative feelings; Avoid lashing back, time heals. That said, remain on purpose to creating a positive co-parenting relationship. It will happen.
- Communication – Ooooh that word, it is after all the start and end to everything. They say, the quality of our life is determined by the quality of our communication and the quality of our communication is determined by the quality of our questions. YEP questions not statements!! Communication is the art in whichwe impart or exchange information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium. The question being here is how do you best communicate when it comes to co-parenting? Keeping in mind that in the beginning it’s a very conscious effort as to the way you respond with the other parent of your children, with practice it does become a way of life. The answer is always communicate with great thought, respect, compassion and consideration.
How; Listen, breathe…respond! Remember Co-Parenting is a beautiful response that puts children first.
**If communication is difficult in the beginning, try using a communication book or an app that makes it easier for you**
- Flexibility – Eeek you mean I have to be flexible even though we are no longer living together? YEP…probably more so!
You will find it quite common that though you have separated there still tends to be a primary parent. In the early years and still today to some extent, I had the time, he had the finances. So with younger children who are needier (though with teenagers, I am forever the taxi driver and I refer to more demanding of you emotionally) – it was our ideal that one parent be more available. In the beginning I worked weekends in retail whilst dad has a corporate career working Monday – Friday. In this case, it worked well for us that our children were with me from a Sunday night through to Friday afternoon and then with their dad on the weekend. It meant they were not away from either parent for too long whilst both parents could work and generate their own income outside of other financial arrangements you may have agreed to. This created a routine and as time moved on and both children were at school, I personally found a M-F job (retail wasn’t for me), we decided upon a new routine – 2,2,3…Mon/Tues with Dad, Wed/Thurs with Mum, Fri/Sat/Sun with Dad and then Mon/Tues with Mum and so on…
The key is flexibility, communicate your needs with each other and form an arrangement. If it doesn’t work, communicate that and then make a new arrangement. Then there will be sport and starting school etc…Your flexibility will need to adapt as your children grow and their circumstances change.
One big NO NO….Do not keep score! Look after your children as they require it. If one of you has to go away on a work thing or plans a holiday with their new partner – take your kids, make it easy!
- Take The Higher Road – Commit to leading with emotional integrity!
If you do take the high road, in the long run your children will admire you for it.
Avoid sabotaging the relationship your children have with the other parent. This serves no-one and the biggest losers are your children.
I couldn’t have said it any better than Dr Phil;
There are two important rules concerning children during times of crisis and instability in your family:
1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.
2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.
In conclusion, this really is a snapshot of my experience of co-parenting for almost a decade and I truly believe I have created the most ideal scenario possible for my children. It all began with a decision and that was followed up with commitment, communication and patience. Though there were the tough times, in the long run by taking the high road – those tough times are very much in the past and today my children have a large extended family whom love them very much. Divorce ends marriages though the family lives on!
“The difficult is what takes a little time. The impossible is what takes a little longer.”
– Fridtiof Nansen, Norwegian explorer (1861-1930)
- What is Co-Parenting – How to share parenting post separation?
Co-parenting is cooperative parenting where fundamentally clear concise communication is the key and the ones ability to put their emotion aside and commit to raising their children together. Generally speaking co-parenting is required when Marriages/Relationships with children have separated or divorced. Thus parents will move to being co-parents. The first step to successful co-parenting is to make a decision that you choose to create a positive share parenting arrangement for your children who are ultimately at the effect of your separation.
I read this from a parenting website earlier and thought it summed it up well – “Your relationship with your partner might have ended, but you’re both still parents to your children. It’s in your children’s best interests for you to figure out how you can both be involved in their lives”.
You may be familiar with the recent announcement by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to consciously uncouple. I was quite alarmed that some people were quite negative about their approach thinking it was fluffy (evidently this was my approach 9 years ago – I just didn’t call it consciously uncoupling, to me it was the only way). Consciously uncoupling is primarily about putting their children first and co-parenting as a united front as opposed to parenting from a battle field and a little he says she says…Their approach is undeniably wise and very noble. Co-parenting is a fairly new term, you may know of the term ‘shared’ parenting. Co-parenting successfully takes a conscious effort and opposes the social norm/mindset that has been to grant custody of a child/ren exclusively to one parent with limited visitation by the other parent. This concept is archaic and potentially dangerous for the overall well-being and development of a child. Granted in some cases this is required, though my cause is for children who come from a home where neglect/violence does not exist. The concept of co-parenting promotes shared parenting, basically speaking each parent would have equal responsibility as a way to protect children and raise them as close to ‘normal’ as possible with care and love from both parents.
Co-parenting takes discipline and commitment to really put your children first. Separation and divorce are never easy times emotionally and can impact you in so many ways; financially is the big kicker, not to mention it can be a massive hit on your self-esteem…That said upon your separation when two people decide to parent in a shared parenting/co-parent manner, the permanency of the pain seems to dissipate sooner through your decision to respond in accordance with your powerful state to parent together as a united front all whilst living separately.
That said, it is never easy though it is absolutely worth it. Just this past Sunday it was (as you know) Mother’s Day. My day started with the obligatory breakfast made by children followed by a stop in for brunch and a board game with their step-mum at their dad’s house, my stepson was dropped off by his mother whilst we were there – there was not one awkward moment, only ease a big sense of family. This can happen (and it wasn’t always easy) because we decided to take the higher road and co-parent effectively putting our children first. I am deeply grateful for the life we have created, my children know no different. I would never wish for them to have a life of bitterness between the two people they love the most. Would you? The HOW is not as tricky as it may seem it is however a commitment.
Most people like to be in agreement with others and play it safe. Maybe a BOLD statement though I feel is pretty much a true one. Healthy? I’m not so sure!! As we move through our personal empowerment program, I have a sneaky suspicion that we all become someone without that particular need – the need to always ‘agree’ or ‘to be agreed with’. The millionaire mindset as quoted by Shane Krider is to ‘Start to loose the need to have people agree with you’. I love the quote “Be daring, be different, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers…” — Cecil Beaton
So how do we achieve this? How do we act differently to the masses and stand as a supreme authority of our own life? Firstly we have to want to be different, then do different things and the result will be we break out of the herd. The purpose of the herd is to keep you in the herd. Again, the principle of BE DO HAVE rears it’s head, there must be a theme here ~ in order to create change first we must BE the change.
That said, there is no point learning this stuff if we can not or not willing to implement it. As I move through BFE and listen more to coaching calls, I know what it is to be more and to make your future self your best friend. We must be more firm on our values and know more things are black and white, stand up for what you want, be less willing to compromise on your values and for goodness sake follow your instinct. So, being a sovereign and the supreme authority over your own life you will discover you may want to go in a different direction to the masses and follow your north star (a discovery you will uncover by using your BFE program).
I shared the story of blue crabs at our most recent Sovereignty Live 5 Day Event; which is quite interesting. If you put a crab in a bucket alone and it’s able to climb out of the bucket and escape, it WILL climb out to free itself (WINNER). As soon as there are two or more crabs in the bucket, as one tries to climb out and escape, the others will grab it and pull it back in. None of them end up getting out – how ludicrous is this! The term “crab mentality” is used to describe a kind of selfish, short-sighted thinking that runs along the lines of “if I can’t have it, neither can you.” You may have experienced ‘crab mentality’ when you have been in pursuit of something. have you ever had peers attempt to pull you down rather than letting you move forward, get ahead and pursue your dreams. Why is it do you think crabs pull each other back down rather than working together to get out? They can all get out, its proven time and time again, as individuals they achieve, as a herd they get stuck. Rather than them all getting out, heading to freedom and having a massive party, each would rather face the ‘pot’, and meet their fate. NO THANK YOU!!!
In a family environment, ‘crab mentality’ may show up when a family member (possibly YOU) is looking to take on a new travelling experience, new career move or even set up their own business (eh hum Polaris Global). Other family members may do their best to pull you down to prevent you from climbing out of your bucket (seriously who wants to stay housed in a bucket). Shane Krider discussed this topic in detail at our most recent event for Polaris Global, he mentioned as parents we often put our own fears onto our children, though to us it is dressed up as love. We do this to “protect them”, we don’t want to see them fail, not realising that stopping them is also them failing ‘self’. GUILTY AS CHARGED! “Sorry kids, mummy will do better”.
I am a rambler, I will leave it at that for now. Remember you are the centre of the universe and the universe is always expanding, expand with it or retract from it – that decision is yours to make, I choose to expand, just not my waistline
Over & Out x
Guide to Step-parenting & Blended Families – How to Bond with Stepchildren & Deal with Step family Issues
Guide to Step-parenting & Blended Families – How to Bond with Stepchildren & Deal with Step family Issues
When families “blend” to create step families, things rarely progress smoothly. Some children may resist changes, while parents can become frustrated when the new family doesn’t function like their previous family. While changes to family structure require adjustment time for everyone involved, these guidelines can help blended families work out their growing pains and live together successfully.
Success for a Blended Families
You and your partner have decided to make a life together and form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of your previous relationships. Congratulations. What lies ahead can be both a rewarding and a challenging experience. It can take a long time for a blended family to begin to feel comfortable and function well together.
While you as parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new blended family with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may not be nearly as excited. They’ll likely feel uncertain about the upcoming changes and how they will affect relationships with their natural parents. They’ll also be worried about living with new step siblings, whom they may not know well, or worse, ones they may not even like. To give yourself the best chance of success, it’s important to start planning how a blended family will function before the marriage even takes place.
Laying the foundations for a blended family
Having survived a painful divorce or separation and then managed to find a new loving relationship, the temptation can often be to rush into remarriage and a blended family without first laying solid foundations. By taking your time, you give everyone a chance to get used to each other, and used to the idea of marriage.
Too many changes at once can unsettle children.
Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.
Don’t expect to fall in love with your partner’s children overnight.
Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.
Find ways to experience “real life” together.
Taking both sets of kids to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the kids used to your partner and his or her children in daily life situations.
Make parenting changes before you marry.
Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your kids won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.
Don’t allow ultimatums.
Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.
Insist on respect.
You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.
Limit your expectations.
You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s kids that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.
Given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to the prospect of marriage and being part of a new family. It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security, and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition.
Authors: Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson. Helpguide.org
Have questions? Connect with us on https://www.facebook.com/miKinApp or direct here through the comments section…
Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented on my above blog – how amazing is the blogging community!! That’s not a question, that is a fact – you are all amazing humans.
That said, I continue where I left my above blog ‘To Blog or Not To Blog’ and my paralyses through my fear of failure via comparison to others. I have since learned by definition that ‘atychiphobia’ is the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough. BAM!! I am in the dictionary. Debbie R made an interesting comment about perfectionism…I have taken that on board and I will not confirm nor deny that it may be so, though only around my work with people 😉 Just check my desk, there is nothing perfect going on there – then again, maybe don’t!
Now that the blog drought is broken…surfs up!! Well that’s perhaps a little ambitious though I am putting it out there 🙂 I find it interesting that once you pop you simply can not stop – ideas are streaming in left right and centre. I have notes everywhere and it drives Simon nuts. That said my ‘atychiphobia’ is still very real and by feedback it’s true for a great deal of us out there. The interesting thing about saying something out loud or in a blog is you find yourself ‘catching your thoughts’ and it’s what happens after you have caught your thought that makes the difference, and potentially where the magic happens.. So, if you have blogged for the first time on this platform, I challenge you to back it up…post again 🙂
One personal empowerment model I love is “Be Do Have”, I know it’s one model our company discuss a lot throughout training calls and our Online Success Education. It is a model I chat to our team about regularly, it is I feel one of the most vital models to really know and implement. So when I consider my ability to really over think my thoughts and fears I ask myself do any of the leadership team sit there not taking the action in their business they need to take because they are too busy comparing themselves to others…ummmm NO – they may feel the fear (they are human after all) yet they do it anyway!
My life has never been the same since I truly got BE DO HAVE. In order for me to move forward and overcome this fear, I really have to identify who it is I am looking to be in my business. Years ago I actually shifted 30kg’s of weight using this model, I say this to not impress you though to impress upon you that it is not just all energy in energy out – mindset is a massive contributor.
So what’s next…
1. Find someone already ‘BEing it (ie someone to model)’ – add this person to my ‘board of directors’
2. DO what this person does – take the same action they take
3. Recognise my wins – acknowledge myself for being less perfect and less comparable
4. HAVE the results I see for my future self.
Where has BE DO HAVE worked for you and where could you implement it?